I guess the reason for this particular post is to understand where all this is coming from, what I was experiencing before I met Moonbeam and the basis for this blog as a documentation for our journey. Since there have been several incidences that I have thought to have been significant to understand why certain aspects of our journey are so important, I guess I'll try to list those as chapters of my life in the last several years, but more recently, the last several months where these incidences REALLY picked up. I was tempted to apologize for having so much to say, but that is a habit that I am trying to get out of...why apologize for something that isn't wrong? I think while simplifying is important, sometimes it's in the details that make simple concepts make sense. The above picture was taken the morning after Moonbeam and I had talked for the first time via skype and I think it is monumental as it documents the first day of the beginning of my consciousness of this journey, which is interesting because this is a Journey of Consciousness. Sunrises and Sunsets are something that we both seem to really enjoy, which now that I think of it, is significant because they both cross the binaries between night and day, light and dark, and in those crossings result in some of the most beautiful sights.
Chapter 1
I think the first experience I had where I really felt like the Goddess (Goddess is the term I use to put a word onto the All, the metaphor for living earth, the balancer of Nature and life and death. The Goddess is not a Being in the way that "God" has been understood, she is merely energy and the laws of the universe) was talking to me was a few years ago when I was taking an Eco-feminism class. I had learned about the Goddess culture and what the Goddess was all about, as well as how everything is connected. I understood matter and energy and it was just nice to put a word in front of it that worked for me (as opposed to "God" which has had all these negative connotations for me for years) but the word Goddess wasn't a substitute for "God," either. I can explain Goddess more so in other blogs. I was in a serious and unhealthy, emotionally abusive and controlling relationship with a guy I dated for over 2 years, and he broke up with me for reasons that just didn't quite make sense and were rather hurtful. In my mindset at the time, and this was the weakest and most submissive I have ever been in my life, I decided to "fight" for him and bought a plane ticket back home (I was living in Georgia at the time) for my Thanksgiving break to show up on his door step and beg for him back. I know, it was COMPLETELY ridiculous but at the time this was what I was going through. Just a few days after I bought the ticket, I met a beautiful girl who had a Sun tattooed on her arm which obviously caught my attention. She told me that she had plans to get the tree of life tattooed on her other arm and with several other things that just seemed to click, I took it as a sign from the universe that I was making a mistake in flying back home to get back together with my boyfriend. I fell in love with the girl and even though she broke my heart and we didn't end up staying together for very long, I know that I was meant to meet her because she saved me from making the worst mistake of my life.
Chapter 2
The second time where I really felt like the Goddess was trying to talk to me and get me to listen as I had stopped for the most part due to my lack of self love and awareness was a few nights before I was to head on a 4 month study abroad trip in New Zealand. I had been planning and preparing for this trip for the last 3 years of my life, overcoming challenge after challenge that certainly made sure they were in my way. I had put off thinking about my trip for the most part due to being scared that I would completely lose my cool and I was laying in the bed of one of several guys I was talking to that summer who I didn't much care for and while he slept, I started to have a full-blown panic attack. I was beating myself up because I had brought myself so low to have compromised my integrity for the sake of having some company and affection, I was terrified as to what was the come on my trip to New Zealand where I was thousands of miles away from anybody I knew, but mostly, I was just scared that I wouldn't make my several plane trips on time or lose my luggage on the way! I think, due to the nature of this attack and the intensity of it, it triggered something that led me to have one of the most insane and blissful experiences of my life -
I saw myself come out of my body, turn around and look at myself laying on the bed, reach out and hold my face. I saw MySelf look at me in complete and utter calm and say, "It's okay. Everything is going to be alright. Just breathe, calm down, you're fine." It was as if my Self had split into two; the calm, wise, confident, loving and understanding part of me was one half and the insecure, scared, unloved and weak part was the other half. As my Wise Self looked at my body on the bed, she shrugged as if blowing off all this "silly" stress, I then saw my Lost Self laying on the bed in front of me, as if I had switched into the perspective of my Wise Self. I looked at my Lost Self laying on the bed, tried to understand her through My perspective and then went back into the body of my Lost Self. There, I perceived my Wise Self and tried to see through her perspective. I began to understand both of my Selves and saw how beautiful both of them were and I began to love each of them. I knew that everything was fine and everything was going to work out no matter what happened. After I began to accept what was and what was to come, I calmed myself down and fell asleep.
Chapter 3
This chapter is a hard one to put into words because so many things had happened. I guess this chapter I will focus on the motivation for the reclamation of my life and how I found courage in the depths of myself. This chapter is for D. Here I was in New Zealand for just a couple of weeks and getting into the monotonous groove of regular college kids at a co-ed Uni, which was something I wasn't used to being part of due to the fact that I have attended a Women's college the last several years of my life. The drinking, the partying, the going out. I met D based on our almost identical taste in music; we lived in the same hostel together and had all the same friends but had never talked before until one day we connected over a facebook chat and talked for hours. That strong connection quickly turned into the first real relationship I had been in since the abusive boyfriend a year before. I felt like I had finally met someone I could enjoy life with, have intellectual talks with, enjoy the same music, go on adventures etc. I had high hopes and hopes that couldn't be fulfilled because of our hectic academic schedule at the time we met and then finally I started to noticed that this person I was falling in love with was distancing himself from me. My friends told me that I was over analyzing everything, "like always" but I could feel in my bones that this once wonderful and stimulating relationship was crumbling as fast as it had started. We had plans to spend our fall break together so we went on a ski trip with his Aunt and family (I had never gone skiing before) and it seemed like everything was back into place. I had my D again. On the second day of skiing, I was trying out the intermediate and advanced slopes, something I didn't feel ready for at all, but due to D's pressure to just go for it, I slowly made my way down until I reached the most terrifying slope I wouldn't dare to have done in a million years called the Waterfall. Skiing reminded me of rollerblading as a child and I loved the feeling of freedom when I just let myself go and flew down the hills and curves, but this Waterfall....this was the end of me. After ten minutes of waiting at the top, psyching myself out, one skier went right past me yelling "Don't be afraid! Just do it!" I repeated those words and FLEW DOWN AT TOP SPEED SCREAMING THE WHOLE WAY DOWN. The fulfillment I felt after conquering my fear and STILL being terrified after I did it was the most incredible feeling I had ever experienced and ended up being the motivation to live for the rest of my time in New Zealand.
D and I finally returned home from our trip and after a few days of him being distant again, he finally ended up our relationship because he was tired of dealing with serious shit. He was in NZ to have fun. I was going to leave in a few months and he left his country to come to NZ so he wouldn't have to think about girls he couldn't be with. He knew we were already attached and were going to become more attached and instead of facing the inevitable and having life be in control, he was going to put the control back into his hands and end our connection. He didn't want to suffer the hurt in greater quantities further down the line. I was devastated. For a week I was self destructive boozing and getting high which is something I never did. I had asked D that we could still have that close friendship that we had obtained because that was what was most important to me and he agreed but I still felt like I had lost something great and would probably never get it again. I was angry because I felt he was a hypocrite. He had no fear in his life when it came to snowboarding or living freely yet he was afraid to open himself up to vulnerability. When my friends returned from their fall break in Figi one Sunday morning, I looked around at these beautiful people and realized that I had spent more time with D than with these people on all the adventures I could have had instead. I made a promise to myself right then and there that I was going to expose myself to as many things that I feared as possible and even if I was scared to death, like D was of getting hurt, I was going to overcome that fear and not let it control me. I signed up for sky diving (which I had absolutely no intention of doing) which I was going to have to drive on the opposite side of the road to get to, a three-story high ropes obstacle course (I'm deathly afraid of heights) and I started putting myself out there to people trying to get to know them, and letting them get to know me. It was the best time of my life at that point. I felt pure bliss making friends and learning just how much I could do if I set my mind to it. I was free.
Chapter 4
This chapter I have been putting off for a few days because it seems to take a lot out of me to write out all that I went through during this time. IT was when I learned how to truly love someone unconditionally and how to be a friend. Unfortunately it ended in the worst pain I have ever experienced, but as I look back on everything Moonbeam and I have gone through, it was worth it and it was necessary for me to be able to fully understand and appreciate what was to come. I had gotten into a forbidden relationship with an abuse victim named T who took me on a roller coaster ride of love, romance, wonderful communication to confusion, distance and hurt. I gave more of myself than I had ever given any person I have ever been with and made promises to myself to be there for T in whatever way that she needed me. Due to many circumstances of which I still do not understand or know the truth of, the up and down existence I was living in full of self-sacrifice ended with the deepest cut to my heart that led to a death of that existence and to be born into a new life. That life included loving myself, loving my friends, loving my family, especially in the time of need with the death of my grandfather, and a new outlook of life that required myself to be fully open to the world and the joys that are in it. This rebirth opened something in my soul that made it possible to experience the connection of my mind, body and spirit and to be able to listen to the universe and all the messages it held for me. This pain and being able to overcome what could have been detriment to my spirit was rewarded with the unconditional love, passion, vulnerability and connection that I was to be given in the form of Moonbeam. The world that we are both able to live in is beautiful, hopeful, real/unreal, and full of the dreams that we have always had in the deepest, darkest of our minds and it is where we are able to exist as our whole Selves. I am thankful for the pain I had to endure with D and T because that pain enabled me to find freedom in myself, where I had once built a cage. It gave me strength to take on any challenge put in front me of me, and having Moonbeam in my life made me realize that I have never been and never will be alone and will always have many to share this beauty with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment